Mothers, daughters, aunts, friends, counselors, teachers, followers, leaders, entrepreneurs, artists, intellects, collectors, givers, sisters, lovers … women.
This series of blogs is going to go through our journey thus far with vaginismus.
For those that missed it, you can read about what’s going on here.
One of the hardest parts of this journey has been discovering my womanhood. What does it mean to be sexual AND a daughter of God? How the heck do those coexist? For some that may be an obvious answer. But if you’re like me and were raised in a fairly conservative, sex negative environment, that question is hard to answer. That concept of sexuality is so hard to define.
I knew something was wrong with my mindset when I was laying in bed one night thinking about the house we were going to be living in when we got married. I knew our neighbor was a state trooper.
My immediate thought was “Oh no, sex is illegal!”
You can laugh. Honestly, I did too right after I said it. We all know that that certainly is not true. Thank you Jesus haha!
Anyways, I knew something was off. I started talking to my counselor about it. Why did I feel that way? How can we define sex in a TRUE way? We wrote down some things that I had to literally speak to myself on a daily basis to be able to believe.
Sex is not just ok, it is good.
Sex is not “dirty.”
Having sex does not make me “unpure.”
Having sex is not shameful.
Just to name a few. The list went on. Things that I didn’t even realize had been engrained in my belief system.
It wasn’t necessarily anyone’s fault.
Not my parents or sunday school or an event. I honestly think it was a multitude of small things that had built up in my subconscious. Maybe they’ve built up in yours. If you hear nothing else from this journey, know this -
You are loved.
You are valued.
You are fearfully and wonderfully made to be a confident, humble, daughter of the King.
Sex is not everything.
In a world that screams be this, don’t be that. Dress this way. Just do you. Stand out. Don’t be too emotional. Don’t be too vulnerable.
You are enough.
My dear amazing husband has been the first to show me that. Through this journey I have felt immense shame, doubt, anxiety, and guilt.
True love is a husband not being able to be intimate with his wife, and loving her regardless.
I know this is not the norm. Ladies, don’t settle for anything less. Please. You are enough and you can respect your body enough to not give it away. Not in a rule following, purity ring, way but in a “I love myself more than this” kind of way. This love that my husband has shown is a truer reflection of the Gospel love that Jesus wants to show you.
So I had to redefine sex. Redefine womanhood, my sexuality, what I thought God thought of me, so many things. I prayed. I read. I sat with God.
I was getting married soon. My wedding night was quickly approaching. And although we were far from perfect, we had not had sex. This night was supposed to be magical right? This spiritual connection? I mean I knew it wasn’t going to be like the movies but it was still sex with the love of my life right?
Let me tell you, that night and our honeymoon were some of the sweetest moments of my life. But not for reasons I thought.
Come back next week to read more of our story.
If you or someone you know is struggling with anything described above, please feel free to reach out. I am more than happy to talk about our journey.
Please also feel free to share or give to our go fund me page to help raise awareness.