“When God puts us in deep waters it’s not to drown us,
IT’S TO CLEANSE US.”
For months it’s felt like wandering in a wilderness.
A forest where all the trees look the same no matter the direction you turn. Where you walk and walk and run and stumble and turn and fall and walk and run some more and no matter how hard you strive to find the light to get out, the right way, the right steps to take, you’re turned around.
drowning. grasping for any air any escape that will sooth your confused mind and soul.
searching for signs of life in your dry heart. for signs of a garden in the middle of the desert. A drop of water that your weary soul absorbs all too quickly. not fully appreciated.
LOST in it’s most raw form of the word.
“unable to find the way”
A lot of people have been there. Forty million U.S. adults to be exact.
Now I’m about to say 2 words and you as a human being are going to associate something with these words because you’re a human with experiences and thoughts. That’s ok.
anxiety and depression.
You may be thinking “Here we go..I’ve read 42 Facebook posts about this.”
Or maybe “Me too.”
Or maybe you’re somewhere in between.
I’m writing this post because I feel that God is asking me to share my story for His glory.
From joyful engagement to panic attacks, God is faithful. Confusing at times, but faithful.
5 months ago I was told I have extreme anxiety and depression. Now I don’t say that to get your sympathy or expect you to cry for me or something. I say that because I was the person who thought mental illness was dumb. That it’s all in your head and you’re being dramatic. So to hear those words from a doctor were pretty life altering. A sterile room where I filled out a 10 question survey and was then told that I have this thing that was gonna put me on this pill. To answer “yes” to thoughts of killing yourself is a pretty intense thing. Now you can’t see it, it’s not a broken arm or kidney failure, you just have a lack of some chemical in your brain, based on this survey you just filled out and what people have seen in you. excuse me? I’M FINE. You don’t know me, I have a happy family, I just got ENGAGED, I’m somewhat popular on instagram, I’m “cool” because I live in the mountains and I didn’t go to school. I don’t struggle with those words.
God had such a different plan.
A story that He’s not finished writing until the day I see Him face to face.
In Matthew 14 Peter is walking on water towards Jesus, “But when he saw the wind, he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out, “Lord, save me.” Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying to him, “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?”
The Truth absolutely dowsed in Love.
I’m not writing this to share solely about mental illness. Although I do think that it is something to have compassion and grace and patience for, because people have real thoughts and real chemical imbalances that can’t be explained in words sometimes, and there are very real consequences to these things.
I’m writing this to share the goodness of God. To share with you reader, that this life is so very very far from perfect. That our sin and the fall of mankind have very very real effects on our human lives. Effects that are hard and scary and sad and confusing. Effects that bring us closer to the face of God our Father. That when all is said and done, will be distant memories, a breath in the grand scheme of eternity.
I’m writing this to say that there is more. There is more than our thoughts and selfish prideful desires and the way we make the world revolve around me me me. So much more when we look past ourselves, when we healthily address these deeply rooted soul issues, that God wants to redeem in you. Bring to light in you, so that they can be made new.
Wherever you are, whether in the middle of the forest, or on the other side ushering other humans towards the Light, or unknowingly about to enter into the forest, God is right there. He is Emmanuel, God with us, guiding you by His still small voice. Telling you the Truth in Love. Asking you to have faith and trust that He is a good God.
Victory. After months of tears and conflict and confusing thoughts and counseling and holistic remedies and a little pill and sunlight and PRAYER and BEING IN THE PRESENCE OF JESUS, victory. myself again. months of wandering, grasping, finally found in the hands of the One who made me. knit my brain and soul together. and said that it was good.
cleansed by the deep waters of this life.
Like I said, this is not the end. I’m almost positive this battle is not over for my brain. It is an every day surrender to the Father. Truly giving up my soul and heart and brain and entire body to the One who made it. Saying I am so incapable of loving well today. Myself, and others. Father help me see myself and others through Your eyes. Lead me far from temptation and deliver me from Evil. Your Kingdom come, Your will be done, on earth as it is in Heaven.
If you or someone you know is struggling with anxiety and depression I strongly encourage counseling, especially from a Believer. This has been one of the most healing aspects for my heart. Although medication (which by the way i was totally against in the beginning), and meditation, and essential oils, and other remedies, have helped me, getting to the root of these issues and labeling them openly and bringing them before the Lord has by far helped me the most. Actual new neuro pathways can be created in your brain if you practice healthy habits in this area enough. So freeing!!
If you want to hear more about my story with anxiety and depression, logistics, or anything else I will gladly share.
IF YOU ARE STRUGGLING, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. PLEASE REACH OUT FOR HELP.
my email is firstname.lastname@example.org. If you truly feel that you have no one, you now have someone who understands. The National Suicide Hotline is 1-800-273-8255. Your thoughts are real. Spiritual Warfare is real. But God is fighting for you. There is hope friend.