We arrived at the little cabin in the woods. Hopeful. Minds racing because of the absolutely perfect day it had been. Hopeful that the night to follow would be the same. Finally. United. One flesh. United under the covenant we had just made earlier that day with our faithful God.
Hearts pounding yet absolutely at peace. I snap a picture of us in our wedding attire to savor the moment. Breathe deep.
If you missed part one you can find it here.
God blessed us that night in spirit. No anxiety, no tears, hearts full, but also no sex. “Ok,” we thought. This is normal. It’s supposed to be awkward. It’s ok, we’ll try again another time.
Our honeymoon came and went, still no sex. Sure, we tried. But the attempts led to many many tears. Excruciating pain. Blocked. Mentally, physically, somewhat spiritually. Frustrated. We waited like we were told to. We didn’t have sex before we were married. Surely God would bless that right?
We got back home to Asheville and I called my OBGYN. We went for an appointment and I heard “vaginismus” for the first time. I heard the word and started crying. I had zero idea what it meant but the fact that I actually had something “wrong” with me was heartbreaking. Vaginismus is a rare condition involving a muscle spasm in the pelvic floor muscles. It can make sex difficult, or impossible, and excruciatingly painful. It’s like when someone pokes you in the eye and you blink. It’s a physical reaction, except it’s caused mainly by anxiety.
Ok. Deep breath. So what’s next.
“The good news is there’s a cure.”
Weeks of pelvic floor physical therapy followed. For some, this works. But my vaginismus actually got worse because of it. That was followed by weeks of sex therapy. Being the over thinker I am, I was not in a place to rationally think through mental exercises reliving my past. I needed space. Space to truly process.
In the meantime at home, we were getting even more frustrated. Our hearts began to harden. No one had answers. The doctors that had even heard of vaginismus had opinions or stories of success but there was no exact answer. There really still isn’t and that’s been a challenge to process. (as many things in life are)
Over time, no sex turned into much more than just not being able to have sex. It has turned into very rare intimacy. I actually was just able to say this out loud this week because it haas been too painful to say. My husband and I can’t even kiss without me starting to panic.
I want to state that my husband has never in any way tried to harm me. This is because of the terrible disorder of vaginismus. Basically because my mind and body now associated sex with being incredibly painful, anything that related to even the idea of sex sent me into a panic.
Our marriage was going downhill and fast. We had to find a solution.
No, sex is not everything. And you’re right, Jesus didn’t have sex. But it was so much more at this point. I was being crippled by this. My mind. My body. My marriage. My soul was at stake. I knew that God had more for us. That this wasn’t the end. And I wasn’t ready to give up. Not now.
So I googled…